Femicide - an all too familiar story.

This post is dedicated to Mollie Tibbetts. The person accused of murdering her is an immigrant and there has been conflicting reports of his legal immigration status - side note, no human is illegal. 

 Mollie Tibbett

Mollie Tibbett

At the point of writing this, the American white house's twitter account is trying to use the immigration point as the important take away issue from the awful events that left a 20 year old dead. 

 The white house twitter trying to push the blame fully on immigration. 

The white house twitter trying to push the blame fully on immigration. 

Yes there is a pattern in this story. There is something that threatens and casts a shadow over many womxn (including non binary, gender expansive and any femme presenting people) and its not the picture that America's PoS in charge is trying to paint. The fact is that womxn are much more likely to be killed by their male partner than anyone else (38% of womxn are murdered by their male partner). Womxn are over 3 times more likely to be stalked than men and recent prison sentences for sexual violence have been disgusting small. (Brock Turner anyone?) 

There is one thing that if we tackled it head on it would massively impact all of these gender based crimes. Male entitlement. Entitlement to our bodies and to tell us what to do with them. Entitlement to pass comment. Entitlement to take what they want no matter how we feel about it.

So many stories come to my mind of times when I have been approached and then the person has turned nasty when I have spurned their 'advances' - I'm using that in the loosest of terms because we all know its not a compliment, its a power move. There are times I do my best to forget about and there are times that I know could have ended up much worse but for whatever reason didn't - normally people helped or were around to discourage any aggression.

'hey gorgeous, give us a smile' which is normally followed by 'stuck up bitch' if you don't immediately do what is asked by a total fucking stranger.

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So. Here's the deal. I am what some people could call 'feisty'. Basically I have a big mouth and I'm not very good at keeping it shut if I think someone needs to know that I know what they are up to. I call cat callers out. A. Lot. I chase guys down the street when they have made kissy faces at me while on their bike or gone back to ask people why they thought it was appropriate to tell me I had a nice ass. I'm pretty sure my Dad has many a sleepless night because of it. But you know what? I'm not going to stop. This is not my problem. Its theirs.

Its a massive problem that is worldwide and we need to tackle it. The only way we can do this is by acknowledging it.

We need to stop telling womxn how not to get murdered, attacked and raped. We need to tell young men at an earlier age that they are not entitled to anything.

Now I am not saying people should do what I do. Its not always a safe way of tackling it. We should all look out for each other though. Not only should we step in (if safe to do so) and help if our sisters are being harassed but we should also step in to call out all toxic behaviour from our brothers. We should teach consent to all. 

Patterns are found by the patriarchy only when it suits them. Femicide and gender based violence due to toxic masculinity has been a pattern for thousands of years and still they refuse to see it. This latest event hasn't suddenly made me want to fight immigration, its made me want to continue to fight the patriarchy. 

My Bloody Valentine

I hate Valentine’s Day. There I said it. I promise its not because to this day I have only ever received 2 Valentine’s cards. (but big shout out to those 2!)  Its maybe a little to do with the over pricing of everything related to love. But then again that happens all the time. (Wedding stuff anyone?)

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The real reason I hate Valentine’s day is that it buys into the ridiculous notion that we are nothing if we are not attached to other human. That we are one half of a whole, waiting to ‘power up’ when we find that missing piece of ourselves.

Family asking when you are going to settle down. Married work colleagues asking if you’ve met ‘Mr or Mrs right’ yet. Fertility treatment is only available to couples, no matter how much of a strong support network you have behind you (I know. I’ve been refused). We’ve all seen the pitying look on faces of acquaintances that you meet on the street when they find out that you are single – or more accurately when you answer ‘no’ to the question ‘are you seeing anyone/married/living with someone’.

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I know what you are thinking. I am just bitter about those 2 cards and I hate being single. Well no. I really enjoyed being single, I enjoy the control I have with what I’m going to do, watch, eat etc. I feel that the society’s need for people to be in relationships is dangerous. People settle. Sometimes they just settle for a shitty no mark relationship that does nothing for them. But more seriously sometimes they settle for a controlling or abusive relationship and their partner uses the coercive control of the ideals of relationships or the stigmatism of being alone as a weapon. ‘You’ll never survive without me’ or ‘you’ll never get anyone else’ being standard fall backs in the piece of shit handbook.

The most dangerous place for a woman to be is in her home with her partner. She’s more likely to be killed or assaulted by a partner than a stranger. February the 14th is a day where everyone forgets this. It’s a day where you can show the world what a good partner you are with a card and a bunch of roses. It doesn’t matter if you are thoughtless, lazy or even an angry partner 364 days of the year. Good old St Valentine has your back. A gushy Facebook post. A bunch of flowers sent to their work (make sure lots of people see it or it doesn’t count huh?)

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Lets be clear though. I don’t hate relationships. I don’t hate people that are in relationships. I hate that my friend just told me that sometimes he feels guilty because he’s not in one. I hate when someone I love put up with an abusive behaviour because ‘I love him’ and ‘I don’t have anywhere else to go’ or my absolute personal favourite ‘I don’t know who I am without him’. I love the happiness and comfort that having a partner brings. I love that they know what to do to make me smile and they know what to do when I can’t.  All I’m saying is one day doesn’t change that.

Happy Wednesday everyone! I hope you love yourself as much as you should, every single day!